Milking another right royal pain

The Age

Saturday February 19, 2011

ROBERT DREWE

IT HURTS me to write this, truly. I'm so uncomfortable I'm squirming on the bouncy red exercise ball the physiotherapist suggested I use as a desk chair. (Does it work as a chair? Probably, if you're a circus clown or a seal at Sea World.) But at least I know the topic to follow affects 85 per cent of the world's population at some time. Half of you are identifying with me right now. I'm talking about lower back pain.If you doubt this is a popular subject, just Google "Back Pain Sex and Relief". Yesterday it had 33 million hits. Millions of aching frustrated people sat at their computers (there's a main risk factor to start with) and searched for less painful sexual positions.After the common cold, this is the world's biggest physical complaint. In my case, I'm intermittently dependent on the services of a medical centre, a pharmacy, an MRI scanning service, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor, an occupational therapist, two physiotherapists and three masseuses, and ��� when I manage to get him to chauffeur me ��� my 18-year-old son. I'm also adding to the funds of several public swimming pools. (A pity my back isn't getting better.)However, as I bounce comically on my big red ball, I've come up with an idea for a blockbuster film.By now, everyone's seen or heard of The King's Speech, about the West Australian speech therapist Lionel Logue, played by Geoffrey Rush, who removed the stutter of King George VI, played by Colin Firth, thereby endearing the nervous new king to his war-beleaguered nation. I'm talking about something that could be bigger than The King's Speech.In my search for pain relief, as do most back victims, I came across Sarah Key's Back Sufferers' Bible. And from that book and her website I learned all about Ms Key: that she's an Australian physiotherapist who hived off to London as a young graduate (like Logue), and worked at the coalface in clinics, setting up her own London physiotherapy centre in 1976, and quickly gaining a reputation as someone proficiently unorthodox at helping back problems.Along the way, not unlike Lionel Logue, the speech therapist, she says: "I have always felt a cool wind of exclusion from the profession."Not that being snubbed mattered once her back therapy methods came to the attention of the royal family. Prince Charles was an early admirer and the Prince of Wales even provides the foreword for Key's best-selling book: "It's easy to see why Sarah Key's exercises really do work. After all, I should know. As one of her guinea pigs over the years I can vouch for their effectiveness, if not claim some credit for honing the final product."The Queen herself became a back client in 1983. (And now the reason for her majesty's increasingly pained facial expression becomes clear. I recognised the look this morning when I dropped my razor on the floor and straightened up in front of the shaving mirror.)According to Ms Key it's not at all daunting treating the royal family. "They love straight-talking Aussies. They like to see results and for people to roll their sleeves up, get in and do it."For my project, Helen Mirren could reprise her earlier prize-winning portrayal of her majesty. For the Duke of Edinburgh? Hmm. Edward Fox provides a certain feeling for the lower orders to match my favourite Prince Philipisms:To a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?" To an Australian businessman: "Do you still throw spears at each other?" And then there's the Duke's foreword to a children's book called If I Were an Animal: "If I'm reincarnated I'd like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to overpopulation."But I digress. I'm talking about the fabulously successful film I have planned. The exercise scenes alone will have you gasping: the squats, the rocking-knees-to-the-chest, the reverse-curl-ups. Everyone liked The King's Speech. You'll love The Queen's Prolapsed Disc."

© 2011 The Age

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